Final Girl Ted Talk

GINNY: Good morning, Sales Teams. Let me hear you make some noise.

[Hold for noise]

Come on, you can do better than that!

[Hold for slightly more enthusiasm]

If you guys can’t get louder, I’m going to have to show you what a real scream sounds like.

[Deliver signature blood-curdling shriek]

That is the sound of true terror. Frightening, right?

Not that long ago, my college classmates and I visited a remote ski chalet, in what the media called “The Ski Mountain Massacre.”

[Hold for applause (?) ]

It was so scary watching my 7 friends get murdered by a deranged lunatic over the course of Presidents’ Day weekend. But you know what else is scary? Going on stage at 9:00 am to address the top sales reps of the greater Scottsdale area.

[Hold for laughs]

Today, I’m here to share five lessons I learned from one of the most nightmarish and bizarre crimes of the past 40 years… to make you a better Ad Sales rep!

So, let’s get started.

1) LEARN FROM OTHERS’ MISTAKES

When I walked into the Ski Chalet’s solarium, I noticed my sorority sister Jenny, impaled on the wall-mounted ski rack. My first thought was “She did not observe her surroundings.” If I didn’t want the same thing to happen to me, I’d better pay attention! Be alert. Listen. Identify the scary breathing coming from the boiler room. You can learn a lot from what others aren’t doing, whether that means hiding in an unlit fireplace to watch the killer’s next move or tracking the competition’s online engagement across the changing media landscape.  

Now, some might say I’m judging the decisions that led my friends to be decapitated by a snowplow or turned into a human ice sculpture. And you may ask Who, am I to judge? Well, to quote my best-known catchphrase: “I’m the bitch with the flare gun!” And I have since copyrighted that phrase for use on snow hats, winter scarves and cocoa mugs – now available for purchase at my book table. It’s just plain good business.

2) EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED

You can imagine how shocked I was to discover that the hulking killer in a red ski mask was, in fact, my estranged Stepfather. Yikes! That was not on my Bingo card. For you, a similar surprise might be that your client has pivoted to a new demographic, or that the company’s rewards program has died. (Hopefully it wasn’t suffocated in a locked sauna, like my best friend, Lisa!)

3) BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Before I could fire an emergency flare at the Madman I’d soaked with diesel fuel siphoned from a snowplow, I had to tell myself I could do it! So, the next time you set a goal, whether it’s connecting with a new buyer or getting your foot out of a lunatic’s homemade bear trap, tell yourself: I can do it. Yeah!

4) DO NOT HAVE SEX