Final Girl Ted Talk

GINNY: Good morning, Sales Teams. Let me hear you make some noise.

[Hold for noise]

Come on, you can do better than that!

[Hold for slightly more enthusiasm]

If you guys can’t get louder, I’m going to have to show you what a real scream sounds like.

[Deliver signature blood-curdling shriek]

That is the sound of true terror. Frightening, right?

Not that long ago, my college classmates and I visited a remote ski chalet, in what the media called “The Ski Mountain Massacre.”

[Hold for applause (?) ]

It was so scary watching my 7 friends get murdered by a deranged lunatic over the course of Presidents’ Day weekend. But you know what else is scary? Going on stage at 9:00 am to address the top sales reps of the greater Scottsdale area.

[Hold for laughs]

Today, I’m here to share five lessons I learned from one of the most nightmarish and bizarre crimes of the past 40 years… to make you a better Ad Sales rep!

So, let’s get started.

1) LEARN FROM OTHERS’ MISTAKES

When I walked into the Ski Chalet’s solarium, I noticed my sorority sister Jenny, impaled on the wall-mounted ski rack. My first thought was “She did not observe her surroundings.” If I didn’t want the same thing to happen to me, I’d better pay attention! Be alert. Listen. Identify the scary breathing coming from the boiler room. You can learn a lot from what others aren’t doing, whether that means hiding in an unlit fireplace to watch the killer’s next move or tracking the competition’s online engagement across the changing media landscape.  

Now, some might say I’m judging the decisions that led my friends to be decapitated by a snowplow or turned into a human ice sculpture. And you may ask Who, am I to judge? Well, to quote my best-known catchphrase: “I’m the bitch with the flare gun!” And I have since copyrighted that phrase for use on snow hats, winter scarves and cocoa mugs – now available for purchase at my book table. It’s just plain good business.

2) EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED

You can imagine how shocked I was to discover that the hulking killer in a red ski mask was, in fact, my estranged Stepfather. Yikes! That was not on my Bingo card. For you, a similar surprise might be that your client has pivoted to a new demographic, or that the company’s rewards program has died. (Hopefully it wasn’t suffocated in a locked sauna, like my best friend, Lisa!)

3) BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Before I could fire an emergency flare at the Madman I’d soaked with diesel fuel siphoned from a snowplow, I had to tell myself I could do it! So, the next time you set a goal, whether it’s connecting with a new buyer or getting your foot out of a lunatic’s homemade bear trap, tell yourself: I can do it. Yeah!

4) DO NOT HAVE SEX

This is not a metaphor. It’s not an allegory about the client-agency relationship. My friends were all slaughtered before, during, or after intercourse. Plus, that maintenance man who was masturbating while watching Greta, the foreign exchange student, enjoy a hot shower.

Take it from me, do not fornicate.

Who am I to tell you whether you can get laid during a 3-day offsite in the Phoenix metropolitan area? “I’m” – let’s say it together – “the bitch with the flare gun!” That’s right. And I’m not just here because of what I did that weekend, I’m here because of what I didn’t do.

And finally, number five…

5) DON’T BE AFRAID OF GENERATIVE A.I.

My near-death experience took place when the Mountain Maniac shut off our electricity. Ask yourself: Do you want to be struggling in the dark? Or would you rather use AI-powered media platforms to boost sales across digital channels? A smart tool like CYNCO PAL is a game changer. If we’d had CYNCOL PAL that weekend, my friends might still be alive today.

[Hold for gravitas]

You can save 20% on a six-month subscription with this QR code.

[Hold for photos of QR code, tilt chin up in case you are photographed]

Or use the promo code “FINALGIRL”.

[If appearing in a major metropolitan city, include line about being a final woman]

There you have it: my Killer Secrets to Success™️ And just to prove how confident I am in these secrets, this February, I’m heading back to that very spot where those grisly murders took place 40 years ago. And I’m chaperoning a group of high school students, including my teenage daughter.

Because I believe in me, and you should too!

Now give yourselves another round of applause, then keep it going for two of the Baha Men!

[Exit as the DJ plays “Who Let the Dogs Out?”]

And follow us into the depths of madness...on Instagram, Facebook, Threads and YouTube!