Season’s Greetings from the Carsel Family!
Evil is afoot.
What a year it’s been!
Last December, we delivered some sad news about Shelly. Doctors told Jess and me what no parent wants to hear: they’d have to amputate our daughter’s right foot.
HOWEVER, we got a late Christmas miracle. On December 25th, Shelly underwent foot replacement surgery! And it was a success! Thanks for your prayers, your good vibes, and an anonymous donor.
In other news, Jess made partner at her law firm! 😍 I’m still developing apps. This Fall, Kenneth and Shelly started 12th and 10th grade, respectively.🎓
In February, we had to say goodbye to our cat, Zelda.😢 She must’ve come down with feline dementia, because she kept hissing at Shelly’s new foot. 😿 Then the cat must’ve snuck out one night, and the next day we found our fur baby with her head stomped in by a coyote.
R.I.P. Zelda 😢
Not to brag, but the Carsel Family finally got rid of the ol’ Satellite Dish. 📺 I had to put my foot down in April. We were watching the local news. During a special bulletin about the death of a one-legged teenage maniac, the picture cut out. Say goodbye to those glitches, we’ve upgraded to streaming!
Speaking of bragging: Our Shelly was never what you’d call “an athlete”, but on a whim, she joined the JV Kickboxing club. No one was more surprised than me. (Except maybe Jess!) Sure enough, in June, our girl made it to State Finals, thanks to her Spinning Hook Kick. 🏅🦶🏆 At the tournament, we got so much praise about her killer moves. In particular, I chatted with a guilt-ridden, alcoholic, retired coach – and he told me that in his life, he’s only seen one other teen who could do the kick like that.
We’d planned to meet up the following morning, to discuss that kick (and maybe some scholarship opportunities?) but the guy never showed. 📞 I tried calling him, but the phone company said his iPhone had been bashed to smithereens(!?) Yikes. I didn’t know the phone company could track that. (Note to self: remember to click all the privacy boxes!)
I guess Mercury was in retrograde,🪐 because in August, my phone was completely demolished. (Designed obsolescence, right?! Your phone gets mysteriously pulverized then you have to buy a new one each year.) I should sue the manufacturer. I was THIS CLOSE to beta-testing a new app that lets parents keep track of their kids’ shoes. I guess the world will have to wait for that one.
Kenneth is still our handsome young heartbreaker, but since October he’s been sporting a new look. For years our Dentist swore the kids would not need braces, but that guy really put his foot in his mouth! Because now Kenny requires an “extreme periodontal realignment.” Ouchie! (That was my wallet talking!💸) This happened after Kenny was found unconscious and covered in blood. He’d swallowed nearly half his teeth. 🦷 😮
A concussion left him with no memory of what had happened. But Shelly saw the whole thing: Kenny slipped and fell face-first into a fire hydrant. (Always remember to tie your shoe-laces, folks! 🇺🇸)
Don’t think I’ve forgotten about Jess! As the new partner at her firm, she’s in charge of the annual Jingle Bell FUNdraiser. 😜 And the theme for this year’s gala is “FOOTLOOSE”, complete with a dance competition. 🪩 The rules are simple: each lawyer can elect a father-daughter duo to take part in an all-night, non-stop, elimination dance-off!
Plus, the whole event is for charity! 🙏 Shelly and I are raising money for a new organization called “The Citizens’ Privacy Council.” This non-profit helps prevent law enforcement from seizing files belonging to public institutions, that includes places like the State Hospital for Criminally Insane Juveniles. Now I wish I could take credit, but this was all Shelly.
If you’ve been to these events before you’ll remember the wandering entertainers: magicians, jugglers, even a Belly Dancer. This year, my genius wife has hired a fortune teller. 🔮 Not only does the Clairvoyant do palm readings – she does foot readings. (I just hope my future doesn’t show odor eaters and Epsom salt!)
Well, I should go practice my Boogie Woogie. 🕺 My Swing partner takes dancing so seriously, sometimes I think she’s gonna kill me! (Kidding!)
Happy Holidays,
Jordie (on behalf of the whole Carsel fam)
p.s. Stop by the Footloose Fundraiser next week. There’s an open bar from 6 – 7 (Aww yeah. 6-7!!) And here’s the best part, the law firm is footing the bill! Should be a kickass time! So don’t drag your feet.
Plus, Shelly said that during the dance-off she’s going toe-to-toe on the dance floor with her Arch nemesis. I’m not sure what that means, but she promised it’s gonna be a spectacle people will remember for the rest of their lives. 😵💫 💫Ooooh-kay!
Last thing: Bring your winter boots. ❄️ ❄️ ❄️ The forecast predicts snow and slush. We should expect 12 inches – so we’ll have to deal with one nasty foot!!
About the Author
KEVIN MAHER is the author of the book SANTA DOESN'T NEED YOUR HELP illustrated by Joe Dator. This is the only Christmas story which includes a cameo by the Babadook.
Read more of Kevin's Deathbed stories.
